Done with my 4th year

I always think the longest hour I could devote myself to study is merely 3 hours till I realized it has been 12 hours non stop I was recharging my brain with notes, pass years that morning. Had myself hooked up with the laptop screens and highlighted paper that I can feel my eyes may form hole soon. 

Ya Allah, dulu masa pre clinical I never really stay up. 37 lectures or up to 44 per system is still within my brain capacity. I can snap myself out of it with a few struggle. But now, I was even memorizing my notes in my nightmare, having exams sometimes even at 3 am while still in bed, woke up in regret and directly hadap notes on tablet to lessen the guilt of 3hours sleep. See how sacred this medical course is !  

And now, that it's over I still was in that moments of disbelief where when I look around and simply can’t believe that I've gotten this (that?) far. That you’re this person who’s done these things and taken these and made a life for yourself in this place. And I'm wishing beyond anything I could have ibu ayah and adik-adik with me now. They have been praying a lot for me , bearing with my whines all over throughout that period. Transatlantic phone calls, time differences, I shed off all those so called barrier cloaks into pieces. Lets hold onto 'distance made heart grows fonder' tightly. That's better. 

Tears well up as yesterday our Surgery marks was released. I targeted higher than this, but Allah knew better than we do. Though I'm a little bit dissappointed , yet to have it done finally, alhamdulilah , alhamdulilah . 81.45 / 100 . Other pandas also have secure their own 70++, 82, 85, up to 88 etc. Alhamdulilah for everyone finally made it. I'm truly happy and proud to have them as my comrades . The ups and downs , tears and joys of studying together, Allah heard and answered all our prayers. Just as how He sees and accompanies us that very moment we-want-to-give-up-but-we-dont. And I find the burdens of that moment become much more bearable when you connect with the purpose behind them; to be a good doctor . A real good hearted one. 

Post Surgery (final paper for 4th year) selca. Breakouts everywhere and Prada for sale under eyes . More than 24 hours not sleep pre exam.

Grow up well, little girl

Just another normal day of us waiting for the doctor to come . We were having a serious knowledgeable chat abt which scarf colour fits us well in front of the lift like a 'jaga'. 

Noticing this one girl's eyes were hooked up at my bag , i greeted her with 'siapa nama awak', replied by her malu-malu answer. I didnt think my bag is fancy enough for a kid to fall in love with. Then i realised, my gummy bears candy's plastic slightly peeked out from the sidepocket of the bag. Doctors have gummy bears kits in their pocket too.

Melted by her innocent smile , unhesitatingly as if by instinct I grabbed the candies to hand her some. Her mother suddenly shot me her stern look signalling not to give candies to her daughter. I'm about to feel offended but then she whispered to me "we are on our way to the operation room for surgery" & shushed me with a generous smile. 

How I wish  simple stuff like candies which comfort kids enough to made them forget abt the fear of surgery just a second later, works magically on us adults as well ! Grow up well, little girl. I pray you would never face this harsh realm of the grown-ups' tons of fear. Fear of not being the person we want to be. Fear of not being good enough as we are.   

I fall for your eyes, dik. 

Kacang

Masa taip nie , bekalan (cant find any better word) internet kat rumah takde so cant directly post this, here we go drafted. But still rasa nak taip juga sebab i dont want to forget how this kind of thing makes me feel more humane. 

Minggu nie round kat hospital paling jauh dari rumah. Around 1hour lebih masa yang diambil. And yes first day lambat sebab bas datang lambat (okay sebenarnya aku pun bangun lambat rushing breakfast mandi iron baju in less than 30mins).  Took taxi from rumah ke stesen bas but not lucky enough. Upon arrived stesen bas, satu bas pun takde plus barisan orang yang tengah tunggu bas nauzubilah panjang dia mashallah. 

Dijadikan cerita, last2 decide naik teksi dari stesen bas ke universiti sbb taknak tertinggal the next bas. Duit aku! Sampai je university, nasib baik sempat catch the next bas ke hospital fuhh. 2nd bas nie kalau lambat alamatnya menangis je la kat situ sebab dia memang sharp 7.50 pagi gerak no compromy at all! Tapi still dalam hati merungut dia tu takyah cakap la kan. Geram dengan *** lagi dan sebagainya. 

Sampai bilik seminar hospital, tengah sibuk2 revise nota fluid therapy tiba tiba masuk sorang budak lelaki around 7 years old, well dressed, bersih tapi muka dia tipikal budak2 tepi jalan mintak sedekah. Dengan sebakul besar makanan ringan (jajan/ kacang / sweets) yang dia nak jual sambil senyum promote jajan dia. 

Aku tengok jam, masa tu 8.30 pagi. Kalau jalan kat tepi-tepi jalan kat sini, kedai-kedai pukul 11 pagi baru tengah ontheway bukak. Ontheway je lah tapi belum buka lagi. Betapa nya diorang nie jarang bukak kedai awal. Dan budak nie,8.30 pagi dah usung jajan dia cari rezeki. Tabik.

TaSha (bukan malaysian groupmate) panggil dia sebab dia macam takut-takut nak masuk masa awal-awal. Takut orang halau dia barangkali. Tasha nie mmg baik orangnya, tak boleh tengok budak-budak susah, cepat je dia nak tolong. Dia sembang ngan budak tu sambil pilih2 nak beli jajan. Siap ajak kawan-kawan dia beli sekali. Nampak budak tu senyum gembira sebab jualan dia laku. Betullah Allah kata rezeki di awal pagi tu selalu ada inshallah.

Entah kenapa rasa tak sampai hati nak tolak tak  nak beli bila budak tu datang dekat dengan senyum. Dia tak paksa pun suruh beli.  Padahal bukan suka jajan pun. Rasa tetiba sedih sayu. Masa aku umur macam dia mungkin tengah sibuk lagi main polis entri tak pernah pikir susahnya nak dapat sesuap makanan. Tak pernah merasa tahan lapar macam budak tu.

Tengah dia berjual beli , doktor masuk. Cepat-cepat dia selesaikan urusan dia nak tinggalkan bilik seminar tu. On the way keluar, doktor tu nampak dia. Dengan muka takut-takut, cepat je dia meminta maaf dengan doktor tu, bimbang kehadiran dia diherdik barangkali. Plot twist, tiba-tiba doktor tu usap kepala dia dan cakap takpe and langsung tak marah pun. Doktor tu senyum lagi. Dan masa tu I confirmed even that honoured doctor do feel what we feel, seeing that little kid struggles .For a life.

Rasa macam tak layak pun setakat nak complain sakit sikit macam nie. Rasa tak layak sangat nak merungut susahnya nak hapai milestone vaccine development bla bla . Rasa tak layak sangat nak merungut tak sempat breakfast td pagi sbb takut miss bus. Rasa tak layak nak complain kenapa la elaun masuk lambat. 

Once,at a bus station I saw a crowd of 5 beggar kids share satu plastik kecik makanan. Apa je ada dalam plastik kecil tu aku pun tak pasti. They looked so kebulur sampai bila tengok tu rasa macam tak sanggup nak tengok. 

For someone who eats a lot like me, I knew how it hurts to feel hungry. How stressful the words 'no-food-today-guys' mean. So I made a new resolution of 2016 to share something of His rizq with this starving little angels hoping that they has sth to eat. Starting with simply sparing 5qirsh (like 50cents) per day for one or two kids that I met masa berebut bas. I don't know how much this helps them, but I sincerely hope ppl who see me doing this would also give a little penny to these kids when I'm not coming to this station bus. 

I'm not a great figure to start out a school for refugees like my other cemerlang batchmates. They're really hebat incomparably to me. May Allah bless them. But yes ignoring sth that was served in front of your eyes is worse than giving out the little bitty of what you have. I admit I tend to be afraid to start out doing good things sometimes . Why ? Because I feel I would'nt make any difference by doing so. But by time , I realised the seemingly mountainous thing always start as a midget unseen things. And one thing as a Muslim, I believe we can always pray for that. 

Atrial Fib

Doc: What is the most common complication of MI tht kills the patient / cause the MI pt couldnt make it to the hospital? 

K: Heart failure. *doc geleng*

M: Christmas syndrome (i swear i forgot what's this christmas stuff)

Me (blurt out ) : Arrythmia.

Doc: Yes ,dukturah. Youre right! (pointing at me) .

Insert emoticon bangga. M, the group genius muka tak sangka aku jawab betul.Dia taktahu aku hentam sebab gelabah ayam soalan doktor macam peluru berpandu pompang pompang.

Doc : So what type of arrythmia?

Me  : Atrial Fib. (dengan confidentnya , dengan bangganya sebab biasa atrial fib paling common lol)

Doc : No ! Ventricular fib and vent tach.  

Doc terus pandang orang lain sebab dah kantoi memang jawapan aku tembak ikut logik akal (baca : logik aku) bila kena point. Padan muka. 

Life is like that too at one point. When youre abt to find out youre at the top, feeling great abt your achievement and then you realise someone/something scares you enough to go farther. Deep down, you want to go for it. But you’re scared. 

The good news, even if you’re scared, your raging superego finally bring yourself to do it. Yes, do it. Because fear doesn’t run your life, you do. Bila lagi nak buat salah kalau bukan masa belajar kan.