Pendek

I always feel intimidated because of my height. Being less than 150cm in the ocean of 170cm ppl cant make it worse than it already was. My head keep throbbing with thoughts I dont want to have. But I always want to believe there must be a reason Allah made my brain this pretty. Brain that I never asked to be born with (or may be ibu did. )

If anyone ask me why I want to be a doctor at the first place, my answer would be " my brain is somehow too good to be wasted on sth else than Medicine."  It's okay to say I am a toffee-nosed girl. I am. And that's why me being sick worries me a lot. I think I may lose the chance to be a doctor. I had the terrible feeling that I lost something precious in my life. Something I had never owned but that nevertheless should have belonged to me.

Till one day, I met a pakcik who acknowledged me first bcs I dont see him since I didn't wear glasses on that day . I didn't even treat him. I was just clerking his case and examine him around one week ago. And give him assurance a little bit of what he might has been having. And that very moment, I guess my so called doctor's soul shriek in delight. 

 I'm not competent enough yet to give a diagnosis. Though sometimes I could give correct spot diagnosis while watching korean drama. Drama is drama. Nothing in reality is close to it. Especially the empty escalator, hospitals escalator are never empty. Unless it is the VIPs escalator. I neither have the privelege to break a news be it a good or bad one. Only the attending doctors would do so. I'm not even yet graduated and deserved to be called a doctor. Yes that's know-how of medical student survival skill. Be humble. Respect your senior doctors. Baca dengan nada perli.

But the pakcik remembered me and greeted me Halla' Dukturah (Hi Doctor!) before my eyes could sense it was him. It was him. I smiled for the whole day. I admitted sometimes I intentionally sashayed through my yesterday's 'ex-patients' wards on the subsequent days just to see they remembered me or not. Fame and recognition are really addictive I guess. 

And yes despite the patients who keep questioning my height , there are still many nice patients that put trust on my brain's capability. Knowing I survived 3 years of medical school before I meet them (the patients), they asked me of what I personally think and know abt their diseases. I couldn't  ask more when they did so. And then a sincere prayer from my heart rises gracefully, Ya Allah even if they couldn't be healthy again, spare them happiness. Spare them some serenity to accept what You give them. 

And this unsung light that keep shining on me is what keep me exploracing even when the cave seem to be terribly dark. Random patients whom some people just regard them as patients. But for me, they aren't just patients. They are the one who enlighten me that my short leg is somehow nothing to be valued as my brain in their own beautiful words .The one that never knew they give heartbeats to my every single hopes .The one whom I wish I could thank them more than they ever deserve. 

Those every single morning where I struggle to get their trust that I'm trying my best to be a good doctor, where myriad of dire stuff built in my brain of what kind of patient would I meet today, where I finally comforted myself with " it might be this short stature is my charm too. It's  not that wrong to be short."

Those mornings that no one can ever experience unless they are me. I wish I will make all people I meet today feel the warmth of this smile, that He will made you strong once He put you through this. Either we are bound to get there or not, He knew we tried our best to be there. Worry less then.